Bali

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Untuk mereka yang tanpa rasa komedi, pakar kononnya di Wikipedia mempunyai sebuah rencana tentang Bali.

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[[image:Indonesia_bali.png|300px|thumb| Bali adalah sejenis minuman rasmi kaum batak yang bertempat di Manhattan, New York, sebuah Kacamatan di daerah Afrika Selatan.

Menurut Barak Osama, Bali adalah ibu negara Indonesia. Barley merupakan destinasi pelancuran yang sangat terkenal dia Indonesia

Sejarah[sunting]

[[image:Balinese_after.jpg|right|thumb| Baju tradisional Orang Belanda Geert_Wilders after tibanya Geert Wilders ke Barley. Why, oh Dutch? WHY? ]]

Traditional Balinese clothing before the arrival of the Dutch. Yes, the red rectangle is not part of the original picture. Yes, the rectangle does indeed cover actual bare breasts. Yes, Balinese women were originally topless.

Menurut Wikipedia, perkataan Balinese sebenarnya Taiwanese. Menipunya Wikipedia nehhh...

After centuries of being an island nation ruled by a Hindu kingdom, Bali was annexed by the Netherlands colonists around 1840. Unfortunately, these Dutch colonists forced all Balinese women to cover their breasts (which previously had been naked for centuries, according to Balinese traditional clothing). Bad, bad, bad Dutch!

In the 1930s, anthropologists Margaret Mead and Gregory Bateson, artists Miguel Covarrubias and Walter Spies, and musicologist Colin McPhee introduced to the world an idyllic depiction of Bali as "an enchanted land of aesthetes at peace with themselves and nature." The actual Balinese natives, who were mostly busy farmers with long hours of work, responded to this appreciation by western experts with "shut up." Then, they go back to work.

With the independence of Indonesia from Japan (in 1945), Sukarno (in 1963), and Suharto (in 1998), Bali became a province of Indonesia. Of course, you probably don't care about that.

Saingan dengan Jakarta[sunting]

Jakarta and Bali have been fighting over the title of being the capital of Indonesia. Most foreigners choose Bali over Jakarta for this title, while most Indonesians (except the Balinese, of course) choose Jakarta over Bali.

In 2005, Jakarta decided to clean up the layers of filth that has been covering the city, in an attempt to improve its international image and to better compete with Bali as the capital of Indonesia. Sadly, Bali still wins.

Following is a comparison of the two capitals:

Comparison Jakarta Bali
Political Status Administrative Center, de jure capital Contributor to National Income, de facto capital
Population 17 million in the daytime, 10 million at night 3 million (all tourism employees)
Religion 95% Muslim, 5% Infidels 99.99993% Infidels, 1 Terrorist Muslim (on vacation)
Economy Manufacturing, Public Administration, Military, Healthcare, Financing, Electronics, Construction, Transportation, Electricity, Security, International Trade, Telecommunications, Education, and yes, Tourism Tourism
Hazards Petty Crime, Extortion, Corruption, Professional Malpractice, Terrorism, Toxic Pollution, Food Poisoning, Traffic Accident, Vandalism, Poverty, Business Fraud, Assault and Battery, Civil Unrest, Military Conflict Monkeys
Traffic Lethal Nice
Weather Lethal Nice
Consumption of Alcohol Punishable by Death Encouraged
Consumption of Narcotics Encouraged Punishable by Death
Domestic Perception Filth Paradise
International Perception Filth Paradise
Self Perception Filth Paradise

Religion[sunting]

99.99% Minuman Bali adalah Hindu. Selebihnya adalahmuslim Indonesia, yang mengkategorikan minuman Bali sebagai kapiaq.

Sebab kaum Balin bukan Muslims,(dan Jews atau Juice, but none exist here, not even Jewish tourists, since they are too peevish to go to a tropical island) prohibit alcohol and pork, purchase and consumption of pork and alcohol is encouraged in Bali, as seen from the proliferating stand that try to sell -- more often than not, fake -- "Babi Guling" to unsuspecting tourists.

Ekonomi[sunting]

Cuma terdapat satu jenis industri di Bali: Pelancuran. Setiap seorang warga Bali bekerja di sektor pelancongan termasuklah lelaki, perempuan, waria, kakek-kakek, nenek, Pondan, bayi sehinggalah kepada tupai.

Warga Bali yang kelihatan seperti petani, pengukir, pekerja kuil, pelakon dan sebagainya sebenarnya adalah para pekerja indistri pelancongan Bali.

Tourism (and Terrorism)[sunting]

Holy crap. I'm not making this up. This is surprisingly an actual culture of Bali. Seriously Dude, what the hell is that?

Bali is a popular tourist destination. It is also a popular terrorism destination. Tourists come to Bali to practice tourism, much like the terrorists come to Bali to practice terrorism. Many tourists enjoy being threatened by muslim terrorists and have their purse stolen by monkeys, for some reason. They think it's funny. On the other hand, the terrorists do not enjoy being threatened by tourists or have their bombs stolen by monkeys. They don't think it's funny.

Bali has been described as "Australia on a budget." Originally, this means that tourists can enjoy many amenities in Bali similar to those offered in Australia, but for a cheaper price. However, Australians interpret this differently. They become determined to work harder and never go "on a budget", because they are afraid of ending up looking crappy like Bali.

Most Tourists in Bali are exploited by the international drug trade network as unsuspecting vessel for narcotics transportation. Most of such tourists are caught by Indonesian law enforcers, but they are later released to their respective countries after being tried and executed for drug smuggling. In addition, tourists in Bali has also been used regularly by Al-Qaeda trainees for suicide bombing practices. For some reason, this training system fails to supply Al-Qaeda with sufficient number of skilled suicide bombers and has been discarded long since.

See Also[sunting]