- For the pre-Colonized version, see here.
is the 44th and current President of the United States. He served as an Illinois Senator from 1997 through 2004 and made the jump to Senator from Illinois in 2005, serving as such through 2008. Since assuming the Oval Office in January 2009, he has made subtle, sweeping changes in policy and government. His supporters claim he has quickly improved the United States government and the country in general, while his detractors claim that his accomplishments are embellished and an imminent totalitarian state is his plan. His actions as President, thus far the most notable being his work on repairing the economy, have undoubtedly led to the government taking a larger role in the everyday life of US citizens. Obama has been quoted as saying that his favorite book is 1984 by George Orwell.
Early life and career[sunting]
Templat:Conservapedia Barack Obama was allegedly born in Honolulu, Hawaii to Stanley Ann Dunham in 1961. His Kenyan father had been raised as a Muslim, though later became an atheist. Early on in his life, Obama was confronted with a variety of views, be they religious, philosophical or political. Not only did Obama spend the first twelve years of his life in Indonesia, he also spent them in Hawaiian terrorist camps while also being enlisted in Iraqi terror camps full time. Little is known for sure about Obama's childhood, but his exposure to many different political systems is probably what influenced his socialist and elitist tendencies later in life.
Obama's experience in Hawaii prior to Hawaii earning statehood in 1979 proved to be an informative experience. In the 1960s and 1970s, during his formative years, Hawaii was governed by tribal leaders who regulated nearly every aspect of island life. As a result, major industries such as pineapple harvesting and canoe-building were fiercely efficient, and Hawaii prospered. These tribal leaders earned Obama's respect and adoration, and he aspired to become one of them when he grew up. Their policies of wire-tapping and otherwise keeping tabs on Hawaiians did not bother Obama, as he "felt safe and secure, and always had plenty of pineapple to eat." The large number of religions present on the island, however, presented Obama with a moral dilemma. Peer pressure dictated that he join the mainstream Hawaiian religion, which worshipped volcanoes and made them offerings of virgins and pineapples. However, in his late teens Obama decided to give up his Muslim heritage and convert to Christianity.
After attending high school in Hawaii, Obama moved to New York City to attend the prestigious Columbia University. He was quickly disillusioned by the vastness and inefficiency of the continental United States compared to the state-regulated, strictly controlled life he lived in Hawaii. He graduated from Columbia in 1983 with a major in political science and two minors, both in redundancy. He then went to work as a community organizer. He is still fondly remembered for his work in organizing rigidly controlled community activities such as Little League games. After several years of orchestrating these strictly regulated events, he decided to run for public office, and arbitrarily chose Illinois as the place to do it.
Obama was elected to the Illinois Senate in 1996 as the representative from the 13th district, which included Chicago's South Side. As such, his first task was to bring peace between warring factions within the city. He then went on to gain support for his ethics and healthcare legislation, indicative of his will to control every aspect of his constituents' lives. During this time his Junior Undersecretary, Bill Ayers, also gained the support and admiration of Chicagoicans, particularly for his Weather Underground movement which helped relay rain forecasts to more people than ever before.
Obama's time in the Illinois Senate will perhaps be remembered most for its impact on the daily lives of Chicagoites. His welfare reform program was a great success, and would foreshadow his tendencies as President towards regulating the lives of every class of citizen. One of his lesser-known successes was his mandate that all homicide interrogations be videotaped, which was the first in a long string of surveillance-related laws aimed at 'increasing public safety' and other such nonsense. At first the methods allowed by these laws were unsuccessful, as Obama copied the methods of his native Hawaii, and very few Chigagoists were fooled by medium-sized cameras concealed within pineapples. However, very soon his policies denouncing privacy in favor of total government control swept the state. He also voted against stricter laws concerning gangs, since the strict rules of gang life strongly reminded of his time in the state-controlled utopia of Hawaii.
Having implemented his new methods in the state of Illinois, Obama set his sights on a national position. He was able to obtain an open Illinois Senate seat in 2004 after his anti-privacy legislation allowed his campaign to obtain embarrassing photographs of his overweight opponent at the beach. These photographs were maliciously distributed by the liberal media. Upon reaching Washington, Obama quickly became known as one of the top 100 most liberal Senators in the current U.S. Congress. Much like all liberal Senators from this period, his main focus was criticisms of President Bush. Obama was particularly alarmed at Bush's tendency to leave the American public to their own affairs for the most part. Finally, he could take the government's inaction no longer, and resigned his Senate seat in order to pursue a Presidential campaign.
Rise to power[sunting]
Through his message of hope and change, he won the support of many. In 2008, the American people were blinded by his mesmerizing speeches. Promising the American people a hopeful future, he defeated that creepy old guy for the Presidency in 2008. After his inauguration, he firmly spread the word of hope and change to all walks of life, and to all peoples in all nations, so that we may prosper under his warming, glowing, warm glow.
Many Republican opponents suspect Obama's victory is to blame on the use of brainwashing machines. Liberal scientists explain these strange phenomena in the sky as being weather balloons. The general public wonders why weather balloons look so freakin' weird these days.
Cementing of power[sunting]
One of the first things Obama did as president was to purchase failing corporations and banks, supposedly to prevent widespread unemployment. This gave the federal government near-total power and control over an increasing number of formerly private institutions, but the true goal was the beginning of his rise to power. Still, the majority of American people felt more secure after he had made good on his campaign promise of change.
With the American people lulled into a sense of security, he passed the Enabling Act of 2010 through congress. Although this bill severely limits the authority of congress, President Obama forced it's ratification through the use of Templat:C With the Templat:C voices of the American people Templat:C Obama's biggest priority, he could freely dispose of Templat:C wasteful government programs. President Obama instated Barack's Domain of Sexy Monitors (BDSM for short), the public face of which was spiffy little pictures of the man himself hanging on walls in public places, with Templat:C. As an added bonus and source of revenue he began to sell "mini-Baracks", desk-top bobble-heads of the President Templat:C, that you can put anywhere: the dinner table, your desk at work, your car, your bathroom, your bedroom, anywhereTemplat:C. President Obama then turned his attention to national security. Templat:C threats to society are Templat:C not tolerated under Templat:C Barack Obama's watchful gaze.
A complete mystery. No one knows the current whereabouts of Obama. Obama's media screening and revising team have removed any information including Obama that they have deemed "A danger to the Great Lord's Safety". They have successfully removed any mention of Obama in nearly any television show or magazine, as well as heavy deletion of any internet web pages or articles mentioning him. However, Google Maps still shows Obama's where abouts if you type "Obama" into the search bar. Obama's media revising team is trying to resolve this problem as quickly as possible and Obama has personally outlawed any use of Google other than the Image Search.
In one rare interview, Obama highlighted the diversity of his extended family: "It's like a little mini-Mars Bar," he said. "I've got relatives who look like George Bush, and I've got relatives who look like Thomas the Tank Engine." Obama has seven wives from his Kennedy family, six of them living, and a half-sister with whom he was raised, Maya Yummy-Ng, the daughter of his mother and her Indonesian eighteenth husband.
In Dreams from My Father, Obama ties his mother's family history to possible Native American ancestors and distant relatives of Jefferson Davis, president of the southern Confederacy during the American Civil War. But of course, all copies of the book were immediately deleted to "protect the Great Lord".
- A huge difference.
- The accepted shape of the Office of the President is 'oval', although it is occasionally referred to as the Elliptical Office
- Many dispute this claim, since Hawaiians have notoriously poor record-keeping skills, as can be demonstrated by their lack of statehood records prior to the 1950s.
- Alleged birth certificate.
- 2008 election still in dispute by crazy guy.
- Hawaii confused over Obama birthplace.
- Additional crazy guy claims to have proof Obama born in Kenya, will go public 'any day now' as of August 2008.
- A Trustworthy Source: Obama not born is US; also a Muslim, terrorist, and mutant.
- My dad says Obama wasn't born in America.
- It's getting a little ridiculous with these references, isn't it?
- Using the Coconut phone and coconut radio, the latest in island technology
- Reliable sources point out that only 1% of Muslims convert to Christianity, rendering this statistically impossible.
- Known in Hawaii as 'Volcano Worship Preparation School'.
- His most famous victory of this kind was the reconciling of Cubs fans and White Sox fans.
- The self-proclaimed most important state in the nation.
- All media is liberal media.
- And every other President in history
- Trust me, it's very watchful. He's watching me right now...